Waiting For Vizzini

Spinach Sauce from SPACE.

Hey.

So, first things first? This bitch is moving.

Yes, we are relocating to BLOGGER. Nothing against typepad at all, but I keep another blog over there and it's just easier to have everything in one spot. So update your stuff:

http://stillwaitingforvizzini.blogspot.com/

SECONDLY! You may have noticed that I have not been posting. Well, that's not to say that crazy shit has not been happening at the Library Publique. Mainly? I'm just SO unhappy here and ready to move the frick on, I cease to find it funny.

What I DO find funny? The cashier at the Farmer's Market who insisted I was Indian.

Cashier: Are you Indian?

Me: Oh, no. I just like Indian food.

Cashier: Are you FROM India?

Me: No. No, I'm from NY.

Cashier: Are you sure you're not Indian?

Me: Yeah. I'm sure.

Cashier: You're Indian.

Me: NO. NO I AM NOT.

Cashier: C'mon.

Me: OMG.

Cashier: Well then. Are you from space?

WTF? Am I FROM SPACE? What is THAT supposed to mean?!

So, add SPACE to the list of places people think I hail from.

BIZARRE.

Anyway, next you see me, I shall be at blogger. Hope to find you there!

I'll Never Be Ticklish Again.

Ok, so this past weekend we had a matinee production of [EvenNewerPlay!] right? So like it's sunny, and lovely out. And like, for this play, me and my witchy counterparts are barefoot. I.E., naked feet. So me and InternWitch are all creeping up the stairs onto this platform...when suddenly...

OMG!BURNINGRINGOFPAINANDFIRRRE!

You guys? That platform? Was like HOT ASPHALT. No. Worse. Like HOT ASPHALT covered in GLASS that's like JUST been melted. And the thing is? Me and InternWitch can not suddenly be all "Holy SHIT! That's FUCKING HOT. Get me THE F off this thing!" We just have to keep on going...each starting at each other knowing that other knows that she knows that I know that we both know that everyone's feet are on fire. Also knowing that PrincessSean is about to make HIS entrance and we have no way of warning him of the pain he is about to endure.

It? Was kind of hilarious. Mostly because as soon as we exited we all just went "OH MY GOD MY FUCKING FEET."

Sigh.

The THEATRE.

So, naturally, we all made mud slippers for Act II.

And you know? I was gonna blog today about this super creepy stalker guy who frequents the library, and somehow found me at said matinee and hovered...creepily...by me even though I clearly had ZERO interest in talking to him and was like literally talking to every single other person/animal/plant in a 10 mile radius and ignoring him yet he did not cease hovering until I acknowedged him...but then the universe threw me a bone.

A lady told me I had "such pretty, white teeth" WIN.

This followed quickly by a young man, who is here a lot and whom I am always looking up like dog rescue info for who is super sweet literally just says to me:

DogHero: Hey Jessica! How are you today?

Me: Well, little bit of a cold.

DogHero: I'm sorry to hear that! I'm excited because today is my birthday!

Me: Awesome! Happy birthday!

DogHero: Yep! I'm going to Olive Garden and everything!

Me: BREADSTICKS!

DogHero: For rrrrreals. But I just wanted to tell you that it is really a blessing to have you here. You are so helpful, and so kind, and just so sweet. And I really appreciate it.

Me: ::GASP:: Thank you!

DogHero: You need to hear that, and you should hear that.

Me: Well...maybe...just a little bit.

I was SO flattered, I turned purple. Those who know me know I have an amazing gift for undermining every compliment I'm given, but today? I just took this one in.

Imma Let You Finish...Imma Let You, Atlanta...But New Orleans Had the BEST Flood EVER.

Hello!

I write to you from the top of a garbage can floating down I-285.

Inappropriate joking.

Seriously, yes, flooding of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS down here in the Dirrrty South. Which to me? Signifies that we must be PURGED.

WE MUST BE CLEANSED. I NEED TO BE LAUNDERED.

Anyway, all is well at MAH house....but where all is not well?

MY YELLOW RIVER GAME RANCH OF WONDER AND DELIGHT.

You guys? For serious? This is NOT ok. All I can picture is like fluffy bunny heads floating in a raging river of FarmAnimalDeath.

So all Goat Lovers please cross you fingers and toes that the mine and BoyKing's goat is warm and dry somewhere.

Speaking of BoyKing...(and when am I NOT) I totally went to go see him in his debut at AlmaMater last night! His EPIC THREE LINE DEBUT. And lemme just tell you? Boy OWNED those three lines. He delivered them in a NY accent ESPECIALLY for me. Apparently he said he also grew "New York Scruff" on his face...but um...let's just say, Johnny Depp can't grow a beard either.

Anyway, I was SO proud of him, and the rest of the cast, who did a GREAT job.

OMG! OMGOMGOMG! I cannot BELIEVE I forgot to tell you guys this?!?!

So, like the other day at the Library of Hellish Nightmares? This guy comes up to the RefDesk to ask for assistance getting on a computer. And I'm all:

Me: Sure. Do you have your library card?

NotOKEVERDude: Yes. (hands me card) You have a hair...um...on your...

Me: Oh, thanks.

NotOKEVERDude: (gesturing toward my boobs) It's right there...um...on your...

Me: (looking for hair) Ok...um...I'll get it.

NotOKEVERDUDE: NO! It's right...

AND THEN HE REACHED OVER THE DESK AND TRIED TO TOUCH MY BOOB.

YEP.

He even got as far as ACTUALLY touching the little ruffle on my v-neck dress (WHICH I will NEVER EVER BE WEARING TO WORK AGAIN)

And I was like WHOAH DUDE. I got the fucking HAIR thanks.

Like really? REALLY!?!!

This. Is what I have been reduced to. Now, I am thwacking wayward hands away from my chest.

Brotha From Anotha Motha

Um. Sorry that I fail you guys.

But like...it's tech week? Which means all I'm doing is rehearsing, working, rehearsing, laundry, eating, possibly sleeping, then getting up and doing the same. Also? THIS BLOG has been taking much of my creative energy...but it's SO worth it. So read it. Bitches.

Ok, so the other day we had a staff meeting here at Los Librarios Des Publicos and we were talking about the various behavior problems we have in the library. We were discussing like, keeping track of it, and then like sending our little "tracking list" to the higher ups to be like HALLLLP. And like, BossLady is all "Yeah, and like we would give repeat offenders 'nicknames' or something so that we know who we're talking about and we can track continual problems."

Hey! I just so happen to already HAVE a place where I track inappropriate library behaviour and give people nicknames!

I of course did not say this out loud...seeing as how they would FIRE ME. And then SUE ME.

But like, she gave this AMAZING example of this guy that used to come around that they called SilverBritches.

HAAAAAAAAAA!

Well, they called him SilverBritches because he would always wear these shiny silver spandex shorts and park himself in front of the RefDesk so that the Librarians could have a perfect view of his shiny, silver, spandex erection.

NICE.

And the day before yesterday? There was a man exposing himself to lady patrons in our library.

Yep.

I'm calling him NoBritches.

And lemme just tell you? First time I see ANYONE'S Mr.Peeper here? I am NEVER coming back.

I Killed a Dude for Jesus

So, on the road this morning, I saw a bumper sticker that said "YES LORD! We WILL ride with you!" and it reminded me of a conversation I once had with some folks about how most Christian Pop/Rock songs are like...vaguely sexual.

I mean seriously. How many times have you heard some Christian Pop Diva singing about how she wants Jesus' love inside of her?

To prove my thesis, I thought I would go ahead and google some lyrics for you guys, and you can decide for yourself. I mean, all I am is a GoogleMonkey anyway right? For the record these are all from different songs.

I feel a burning, deep inside of me
I feel your Spirit, it's moving around me
I hear Your voice, You're calling me closer
I know that You're here, You're calling me closer
And I will...

Christ, the hunger for him.

Only by grace can we enter
And now by Your grace we come
We come
Now by Your grace we come

I don’t want to live
For anything but You
Jesus
And all I have to give
I give it all to You
Jesus
Every breath I breathe
I breathe for You
Jesus
And every word I’ll speak
I’ll speak for You
Jesus


For the record ALSO? If I wake up tomorrow suddently believing in G.O.D? I'm totally becoming a Jew. I hear the conversion process is lengthy and difficult, but I figure I don't have to get any bits of bits chopped off, so it can't be that bad.

Anyway. I just thought you guys might wanna know that. For whatever reason.

When Viewing and Printing Porn Just Isn't Enough

You should know that there is a man here.

Yes. Fascinating.

He is wearing some thug-tastic giant low-slung denim shorts.

When he left the RefDesk, turning his back to me...I got to see the back of said shorts.

On the back pockets, were two pictures of women..who were BOUND AND NAKED.

What.In.The.FUCK.

ETA to say that a woman just approached the RefDesk and said "My MapQuest keeps disappearing into a commercial."

GAAAAH.

Here at the Library, Sometimes One Must READ.

You guys? I must tell people how to print stuff AT LEAST 30-45 times a day. Just repeating the same schpeal OVER and OVER and OVER again.

In an effort to help this, some time ago, a co-worker made a very handy and clear sign with step by step instructions and hung it right above the print station.

And you guys? Not so much with the complicated.

So when people holla at me from the print station like "hey! I printed some stuff" or "how do I get my printed stuff?" or something to that effect, I will usually say:

Me: You're going to start at the computer right there. There's a sign directly in front of you with step by step instructions.

At this point one of several things happen...NONE of which include READING THE SIGN AND FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.

They either frantically scan the air/wall/sky for the sign...which they never find OR they just stare at me blankly like "and?" until I just walk over there and do it for them OR they walk away from the computer and start blindly stabbing at the copier.

Like, what part of "START AT THAT COMPUTER and THERE IS A SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU" is so confusing?

ALL OF YOU DESERVE TO BE UNEMPLOYED.

Ok. That was a bit below the belt. I know.

I'm sorry alright?

Not all the way sorry, but like a LITTLE bit sorry.

OK! So JUST NOW some lady called about volunteering at the library right? And I didn't talk to her, my co-worker did ok? So I'm just going to transcribe the conversation as I heard it.

Ok, well volunteers at the library typically shelve book.

Mmm hmm. Well you simply need to come in and fill out an application...

Yes, an application.

Mmm hmmm. And then once that's approved we schedule and orientation...

Well...not currently. But I mean....sometimes they may have clowns scheduled for the children's programs.

Um...I don't know when and if there will be clowns.

Well...there's nothing with clowns scheduled right now that I can tell.

Ma'am. I don't know. I don't know if there will be any clowns in the future.

I cannot tell you that information. What is scheduled right now, for the next couple of months, does not appear to involve clowns.

Yes, if you needed to leave, you could just sign out and go.

Well, you will have to keep your eye on the program schedule...no ma'am. No one can make sure you know if there are going to be clowns...

Ma'am? Maybe you should think about volunteering elsewhere.

 

It's on FIRE? That's Weird.

Like that Kings of Leon song is hot? But like...what?

Anyway.

So, BoyKing called yesterday (which naturally filled my heart with giant spoonfulls of unicorn glitter and fairy dust) to tell me that he was cast in his first play at AlmaMater!

BoyKing: Yeah, so I got a part in [AlmaPlay]. It's uh...first name "first" last name "man." I think it might be a small part.

Me: Well....maybe First Man is only man?

BoyKing: I have three lines. I actually think the FULL NAME of my part is "First Man, In Passing". Like I literally just...pass through.

Me: Um. I'm terribly sorry for laughing my ass off right now at you.

BoyKing: No, no. Laugh away.

Me: Well....you know, if you need to run lines or anything you know I'm here for you. [LAUGHTER]

BoyKing: Thanks.

Me: And like, if you ever want to discuss like character development and motivation-you know call on me. [SNICKER]

BoyKing: Right.

Me: [STILL LAUGHING] Really, I am so sorry for laughing this hard. I can't stop!

BoyKing: No, it's fine. I'm gonna rock those three lines.

Me: Awwww, of course you are. And I'm going to totally scream WOOOO from the audience really loud when you "pass through." [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH] God. Why am I such a BITCH.

BoyKing: I'm not entirely sure.

Me: Well, BoyKing, you'll ALWAYS be MY First Man....in Passing.[SNORT]

Lousy Plumber

You guys? We have a first today at the library.

I have seen ass crack.

Yep.

Way to go guy using the copier.

I'm actually sort of astounded that this is the first time in nearly 3 years of working in the public library that I've seen ass crack.

Also, for your laughing at how I earn my paycheck pleasure, today, my first Reference Transaction of the morning:

Phone: RING RING

Me: Good morning, this is Reference. How may I help you?

TransmissionMistress: Hi. Can you google something for me?

Me: Um. Sure.

just so you know, people call us to "google" shit for them with increasing frequency. Like really? YOU TOO CAN GOOGLE.

TransmissionMistress: I need the phone number of a couple of companies.

Me: Sure. What companies are you looking for?

TransmissionMistress: Well, actually I just need you to google transmission repair shops north of atlanta and give me some phone numbers.

Me:....well. There are 274,000 results ma'am. Perhaps you'd like to narrow it down.

TransmissionMistress: Ok, read me the first 10

Me: [begins reading listings and phone numbers]

TransmissionMistress: No. Nope. Nope. No. Not that. No.

Me: Well, perhaps you'd like to narrow it down??

This lady? Had me google "transmission repair shops [insert city north of atlanta here]" several times, until I had given her appx 30 phone numbers.

LOOK. Even if you do not have the internerds immediately accessible? TRY THE PHONE BOOK. Or perhaps you can dial INFORMATION on your phone RATHER THAN THE LIBRARY.

Every fiber of my being YEARNED to just yell out "I AM NOT GOOGLE! YOU HAVE NOT CALLED GOOGLE. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND I HOPE IT COSTS YOU LIKE 10 ZILLION DOLLARS TO FIX YOUR TRANSMISSION."

But then? They complain. And I would get yelled at. Which would then force me into doing very violent things.

Two words. Giant.Club.

Ok, THREE words.

Giant. SPIKEY. Club.

Anyway.

One thing I want to again reiterate today...and I know I say this a lot. And I'm going to say it again, not only to remind you guys, but to remind myself.

Never, never, forget to tell people they matter to you. That they are important to you. And that you love them, if you do. Life changes in an instant. In a blink. And no matter what you believe comes after this life, don't wait for whatever that is. Don't assign a meaning to suffering, or a justification. Just care for the person who suffers. Care for them, and comfort them. Don't expect or assume they have some reward coming in the great hereafter. Be their reward by being there, today, now, in this moment. Give hope, give laughter, give time, give of yourself. It makes a difference, of that I am sure.

And for my great Faerie Queen, I am thinking of you and sending you all the magic I have. I am thinking of your striking beauty, your powerful voice from another dimension, your incredible sense of humour that borders a little bit on insanity, and your unflinching support. I am thinking of the fact that you have already endured more than anyone should, and that I would not be so graceful as you if it were me. I am thinking that I am glad to know you, and lucky to perform with you. I am thinking that I look forward to telling you all this in person very soon.

You're Going to be a Zombie Board

That is literally what I just thought my co-worker said to me. She said "you're going to be a sounding board" but I heard zombie.

Interesting.

So. BoyKing said he was a little frightened and dismayed by how angry my last post was. So I read it over, and I too fear for my sanity.

So today? Big BloggySnuggle.

First of all, BoyKing moved into his COLLEGE DORM ROOM today. Yes. Our little man is all growed up and on his own. Let's give him a round of applause and hope he doesn't die! I mean, hope he doesn't funnel cheap beer! I mean hope he doesn't go home with the campus bicycle! I mean hope he orders vegetables on his pizza! I mean, hope he knows to wash colors in cold water! 

Whatever. He's going to do awesome because he's the BoyKing.

Luckily, said college is only 30 minutes away, and even though he'll be all like making REAL friends and shit...i'll like be able to sense his presence.

Otherwise, I would be dressed in mourning and drowning my sorrows in a nice chianti.

Secondly, Spilasha, a regular reader and all around awesome lady has said via FB that she has had a rough morning. So let's all give her a virtual SnuggleHuggleKiss and say, at least you have two arms.

I mean. At least I THINK you do. I've never actually met you. And it would be so awkward if in fact it turned out that you did NOT have two arms.

Anyway. You rule. So should every hour of your day.

THIRD.

BoyKing and I basically had BoyKing/Vizzini day the other day before he went off to college...

:::gut-wrenching sob:::

ahem.

But, we like sort of accidentally did all our favorite things.

Liiiiike, eat at Moe's and play Little Big Planet and make ugly faces and stupid noises at each other...and clean the kitchen. Ok. That part was not my favorite. BUT! Most importantly, we visited the YELLOW RIVER GAME RANCH! There, we saw a baby peacock with its mother. We crumbled up some cracker bits for mom and baby and they nibbled with delight.

So like, within a few seconds a bunch of ducks come waddling over like "HELLZ YES. GRAHAM CRACKERS." And MammaPeacock is all "FLAPPITY FLAPPITY! BACK UP OFF MY CRACKERS" and like you know goes after the ducks a bit.

Then? Little teensy weensy BabyPeacock? DOES THE SAME. Like, jumps straight up in the air all like "SQUEEEAKIN!" and like at the FULL SIZED DUCKS.

It? Was awesome.

Also? I pet a chicken.

FOR THE WIN!

It bears noting, that Husband is now the record holder for UglyPigKissing.

No. Not for KISSING ME YOU BITCHES. But rather for kissing the big hideous nasty pig named Wilma at the game ranch. We have all kissed her. And she has a thing for BoyKing now because of it. But Husband? Kissed her ugly ass (literally) for a full 4 seconds.

And now? I leave you. With WALL OF FLUFF.

Just so you know I'm all about the snuggle today.