Happy Halloween! A most favorite holiday! Ok, only compared to The Holiday Whose Name We Do Not Speak Until After Thanksgiving Or Else I Become So Filled With the Holiday Spirit That I Begin Weeping. But seriously? I LOVE Halloween. I get FUCKED UP over Halloween.
And for the record? I don't think you're EVER too old to Trick-or-Treat. Like, why wouldn't adults want free candy? Candy does not discriminate based on age people. I mean, like remember when you kind of sorta felt like you were getting too old to go trick or treating? And like, your costume got less and less involved until finally you were wearing like jeans, a sweatshirt, and like spray painted hair? And why on earth did we feel the need to move from treat sacks to pillow cases? Like what's so much "cooler" about pillow cases? Also, shaving cream. What the f. I mean one minute we're getting popcorn balls and the next minute we're freaking making gang signs on people's driveways with shaving cream.
UM, just to break in here for a second?? There is a dude on a computer who has picked up his keyboard and started BANGING it on the table. Like, BANGING it. I just glared at him? And he smiled back at me all malicious like. I will eff you up dude. I am in a WITCH'S HAT and I have on LIGHTENING BOLT EARRINGS. BE AFRAID.
So, where I grew up, there was this part of town where all the neighborhoods were letters of the alphabet. Like Pita lived in the "M" section and all the roads started with the letter "M" and so on. There was this one neighborhood called the "S" section that was basically like a giant circle...so it was like easy awesome trick-or-treating right? So lots of people would get dropped off there and stuff. So, naturally, it became THE place to see and be seen on Halloween. So, as the "S" section evolved into like the Mecca for kids with candy, vans full of hoodlums (aka HIGH SCHOOLERS) began to plague the area. And by "vans full of hoodlums" I like for serious for reals mean unmarked vans full of bad, bad, bad kids with eggs. So, one year a group of pals and I brave the "S" Section. I'm guessing we were in 8th grade maybe. And at this point we have pillow cases FULL of wonderful candy. I mean, boss awesome candy, and we're right around the last couple of houses when this freakin' van just like peals out of nowhere, stops right in front of us, and like 4 guys just pile out of this shit. They start PEGGING us with eggs. One of my friends like for serious took and egg to the forehead...and they're all GIMME YOUR CANDY!! GIMME GIMME GIMME! And they just start like taking us out with the eggs and grabbing our pillow cases of candy.
I? Do not give up candy. EVER. So one of the hoodlums is like GRABBING onto my pillow case of wonderful and like PULLING and he's all GIMME THE GODDAMN CANDY! And like throwing eggs at me from like 2 inches away with one hand and ripping at my candy bag with the other. And I am literally like. HELL NO BITCH. This candy is MINE. Until finally he gave up.
I was the only one in the group that maintained my candy. Take that BITCHES. And I totally didn't share. Ok, I mean I shared like the shit candy, but I totes kept all the good stuff. I mean, sorry, if you don't have the sack to hold onto your sack? Then it doesn't mean enough to you and you don't deserve anything but those weird square things that may or may not be some kind of candy that has something to do with bees and honey but have like sesame seeds on them.