Well, well, well. I'm coming to you LIVE from the FIRST HOUR of Obama's presidency.
Absorb. Enjoy. Breath a huge sigh of this brand new air.
So yesterday? Lurrrver17 and I went to the Yellow River Game Ranch, because he's been begging to go and hasn't gone yet. Plus it was like dollar days meaning you get to go in FOR A DOLLAR. Hello, AWESOME.
So, anyway we go and like, because it's Dollar Days there were like 4 zillion people there, and it was farkin' freezing so like all the Bunnies and Bears are just gorged on food and done with folk. I did almost cry when the Bears did not come out and wave for cake. Like, head down on the bar peeking up through my hood at Lurrrver17 with a weeeee tear because I feel personally responsible for his happiness EVERY FREAKING SECOND.
So...despite that fact we have a great time...Lurrrver17 illegally picked up a Goat, there were Lambs and the Deer loved the graham crackers and shunned the saltines, etc. etc. Except that Lurrrver17 was all like taunting the squirrels and making them crawl all over him for peanuts and then pissing and moaning that they "scratched" him and now his hands felt "all tingly" and he had a boo-boo and an owie and a whatever.
So, I always save the Bunnies for last, because they're kinda my favorite. And we get into the Bunny pen and there is like not a rabbit in sight. They're all hidden in holes or in their house or whatever. And this little kid just starts PELTING carrots into the door of the BunnyHouse, while Lurrrver17 and I sit forlornly on a rock holding out carrots pondering why in GOD'S NAME do people have bunny hating children. But I'm at the breaking point here so I just say to the kid "I wouldn't THROW CARROTS in there. You might hit a bunny and then they'll NEVER come out."
The kid just like smiled at me thinking I was kidding but I continued with the,
And he silently and uncomfortably walked away.
That's right kid. I will freaking CUT YOU.
Finally, I see a little black bunny emerge from a hole and like just jet up there to feed it. But, a small redneck child has ALSO spotted the bunny, and he comes over...holding a big ass rock.
I look at him.
He looks at me.
And then he says "I'm going to put a rock on it so it doesn't move."
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!
I'm like "NOOOOO! FEED IT A CARROT! HERE TAKE THE FUCKING CARROT! TAKE IT! CARROTS NOT ROCKS FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"
Thankfully, he thinks the carrot is a swell idea and puts down the rock.
I look back at Lurrrver17 and he's just like open mouth staring like "what the hell just happened, I'm NEVER having children EVER."
Then he says "That kid is going to get his ass kicked at school."
And I'm like "THAT kid is going to grow up and become a serial killer."
As if this wasn't enough? As we are leaving the bunny pen, a group of kids comes in, one of which proceeds to try and KICK the bunny and Lurrrver17 is like "AAAHHH! DON'T KICK IT!" And I'm all "ZOMG, I need to get AWAY from here."
So we ran away, to go see if we could coax the bears into playing with us. And it's drawing close to closing time but we figure we can hang with the deer and the squirrels while it's niiiice and quiet and just have peaceful happy time with them...figuring someone in a golf cart will you know, come around and collect us or tell us we have to leave when it reaches 6pm. So we're strolling around...dancing with squirrels and forming lasting bonds with some deer...feeling just a little disobedient and devious...when suddenly we feel that it is eerily quiet. All the animals begin to emerge sensing that there's not ANOTHER LIVING SOUL about. I check my phone and it's still like 3 minutes before closing...but we have successfully freaked ourselves out and decide to head to the exit.
And like, you have to exit through the gift shop right? We get there...
LOCKED. All the lights are out. I'm knocking....no one comes.
We.Are.Locked.In.THE GAME RANCH.
We can hear people on the other side so I start like yelling "HELLLOOO! HELLLOOOO! Can someone please let us out?"
CountryMamma: Um....we don't work here. They're like...gone.
CountryBaby: Climb the FENCE!
Lurrrver17: There's...uh...there's barbed wire.
Me: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Finally, turns out there's one employee left, and comes down to like the giant padlocked gate to let us out. He was all,
GameRancher: Where WERE ya'll?
Me: Uh, we were feeding deer and squirrels.
GameRancher: Ya'll must've gone all the way down to the barnyard.
Me: Um. Barnyard? Pshaw! In no way did we ever go down to the BARNYARD. We are responsible! We would never go that far back into the park so close to closing time.
GameRancher: Uh huh. Well, he musta drove right past ye. We swore ya'll came on through. Sorry about that.
Lurrrver17: (lies with silence.)
So, we are finally free and I'm all:
Me: ZOMG! What would we have done if like, we totally got locked in?
Lurrrver17: Used your phone to call the police.
Me: But what if my phone was DEAD! YOUR phone is DEAD!
Lurrrver17: Well, we would've found some nice warm deer to snuggle with. Or we could've gone all "Man Vs. Wild" and cut up and cooked the deer.
Me: Not cool.