So last night we had a run-thru for [Newest Play], which opens this Friday. Lurrrver17 showed up to help with crew right?
So like, he just got back from his first ever trip to NYC...like literally yesterday. And he rolls up to rehearsal in a total "I LOVE NY" t-shirt...that is like the brightest, greenest of green t-shirts in the history of green t-shirts.
And I'm like....um...you're t-shirt....it's um...green and um....
Lurrrver17: Actually. I bought this t-shirt for you. I was thinking of you when I bought it.
Me: That's horrifying.
Lurrrver17: Well, they had NORMAL colors in size MEDIUM, but since you're always telling me I need to get a size LARGE because size MEDIUMS are TOO SHORT on me, I had to get a size LARGE in THIS color.
I'll just add this particular event to the list "How I Put Lurrrver17 Into Long-Term Therapy" that I've been keeping for my memoirs.
Also this past weekend? Alumni weekend at Alma Mater. Lots, and lots...and lots and lots...of cheap Chardonnay was consumed. Actually, before I got to the LOTS part, I was walking out of my sorority reunion with my second glass of WorldsCheapestChard when I spy the CALICOCAT. (thus called because of the bad stripey dye job she had many moons ago.) This woman, works for Alma Mater. She? IS MY NEMESIS. Like, I don't think there is any person on this planet that hates me more than this lady does. Why she hates me so much? Because she can't hate me openly, seeing as I'm one of the darlings of the rest of the Alma Mater community.
This frustrates CalicoCat.
Anyhoodle. So I'm all "UGGGGGGGH, CalicoCat and her CRONIES" but I must walk through them to exit. So I'm heading out the door, when CalicoCronie gestures grandly and literal FWACKS my wine glass out of my hand, sending it like a missile FLYING toward the wall. Upon which it SHATTERS. Like it ESPLODED. Like it was an MASSIVE explosion of crappy white wine....all of which landed upon CalicoCat.
And her friend was all "OMG! MY BAD! That's on me!" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Meanwhile, there's glass everywhere INCLUDING MY FINGER. And I'm like SHAKEN because I cannot begin to emphasize the speed and force at which this glass was sent flying from my hand. AND I know that CalicoCat will swiftly, and deftly, turn this into "And then? Jesse was SO SMASHED that she DROPPED her CHEAPCHARD ALL OVER ME!!!" which she will spread all over the Alma Mater community.
When in reality it was her dumb ass grand gesturing friend that did it, creating the CheapChardonnayMissleofGlassandDeath.
That's not to say that I wasn't completely smashed one hour from that point.
Because I definitely was.
I mean, I had "Bitchin'" written on my arm when I woke up in the morning.
Which, I mean, I TOTALLY am...but still.
And The Beave drank Heineken.
Which for all of you who don't know The Beave...this means her judgment was seriously compromised.
However! I had RIDONKULOUS amounts of fun, especially because my MOST FAVRIT SecretBoyTwin was there and seriously? When we get to hang out it's like all the Gods of Awesome and Fun Fairies convene to form the most funnest fun fest of fun ever.
It was pretty much a bitchin' evening.
Also? FYI? This woman just comes up to the desk:
Me: Hello, may I help you?
LipImplantMistake: I think it's a new book. About Beatrix Potter.
LipImplantMistake: She's the Peter Rabbit lady.
Me: Yes, ma'am I know. I'm looking for you.
LipImplantMistake: I don't need the book Peter Rabbit, I need a book on Beatrix Potter.
Me: Yes. Ma'am. I am looking.
LipImplantMistake: And her name is spelled with an X.
Me: I'm A FUCKING LIBRARIAN. I know who BEATRIX FUCKING PETER RABBIT FUCKWAD POTTER IS.
Plus, I don't know if I said this? But she had some god awful collagen shiz up in her top lip. And a boob job.
STOP MAKING UP FOR YOU INSECURITIES BY TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.
Also, my boss just bought me a York peppermint pattie which might actually be the nicest thing that's ever happened to me ever.