Ok, so yesterday I went to Whitewater with some great pals...you'll recall the only other time I went there was round about this time LAST summer when YouKnowWhoWhomIHaven'tRenamedYet pushed me down a SCARY MFING SLIDE. A slide, which, FYI, is listed as MAX in terms of thrills. I'm JUST saying.
I will say that THIS year he was like totally way more respectful of THE FEAR that grips me when faced with steep things. Even rising to my defense when I wouldn't go down a slide that like small toddlers in life jackets and people in full body casts were happily going down. Well, after he yelled at me to stop being a big baby. But I think at that point he saw the light go out in my eyes as my soul died, so he started encouraging rather than berating.
Anyway...it was ridiculous amounts of fun, truly. I mean, water slides make me extremely happy. And so do all the folks I had the pleasure of spending the day with.
And Billvolio? Even brought JUICE BOXES. Like freaking HiC Tropical Fruit punch JUICE BOXES. It's the little things in life you know?
More hilarity at my expense? Well, we're waiting on line for a slide when we all begin to notice scratches and scrapes to our backs due to EXTREME BODY FLUMING. And DaddyCap's all, "Do I have any scratches on my back?" and I'm all "no, not really." And LurrrverNot17orNamed is all "Do I have scratches on my back?"
Me: Only from me.
Now. You MUST know that when I uttered this phrase I meant "from when I regularly beat you up" because he is constantly making cracks about how I hit him all the time.
Which I don't.
Well, I mean I kinda do...but they're...um...love taps?
Look, he can get really frustrating sometimes...like sometimes I just want to shake him until his brain comes out his ear.
NO! No I would NEVER DO THAT! God what kind of person do you people take me for?
What happened was that EVERYONE took that to be ME making some HORRIFYING sexual joke about HeWhoIDoNotAbuse.
So like DaddyCap just open mouth stares and then starts like shaking his head violently and beating himself because he cannot purge the vision from his mind.
I turn BEET RED. And I'm like "OMGOMGOMGOMG! That's not what I meant! IT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! OMG OMG OOOOOMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG!" Because you guys need to understand, rarely if EVER do I crack ANY sort of dirty jokes, especially that include me. So this was HUGELY embarassing for me.
But glorious for everyone else.
AlyJack takes this to be a perfect moment to make suggestive gestures and facial expressions to which I scream "STOP MAKING IT SO MUCH WORSE!"
Everyone else? Just laughs hysterically.
NotActualLurrver just sort of takes it in stride, and manages to hold in his vomit, which I found very gentlemanly, but makes "MadLurrrverFace". How do all respond to MadLurrrverFace? By saying "OOOOHHHH, we're making fun of JESSE! Not YOOOOU!"
As I sit there SHAMED and RED hopelessly backpedaling by saying "No! I mean, when like I always hit him! Wait. No, I mean, I don't hit him...I just...BLAARRRRRG!"
I'm not entirely sure I will ever live it down...seeing as how for the remainder of the day AlyJack continued with the gesturing, and MightRenameHimLurrrverAssHat kept asking if he had any new scratches on his back.
ETA to include more stuff: Even MORE hilarity at my expense? Because of THE FEAR, I tend to get very anxious once it's time to actually go down the slide I've been waiting on line for. So, the group of us get on a slide that is like a big tube for a bunch of folks. So, it's me, AlyJack, NoScratches, and PowerPunch in the tube...and like as I'm getting ready to step into it...I'm all "I can't do it. I think i'm too scared" and they all sort of look at me like "UGGGGGGGH" and IHadNothingToDoWithThoseScratches is all "C'mon Jesse, it's alright, you've been on it before, it's fine." And I'm all having an irrational break-down...and I look at the line of people waiting behind me expecting them to be like enraged and they're all like smiling at me like "buck up little camper!" so I just hop in, rather than disappoint them and shame myself further. And you guys? Like, when I'm scared? I become insane. Like I'm all begging the guy to let me out as soon as I'm in the tube...and he's all "chil the fuck out freak show" and I'm all "DON'T GIVE US ANY SORT OF PUSH" and my friends are all "we don't know her, she totally just snuck into this tube." But, we head down the slide. Immediately? I have sprawled myself out on the bottom of the tube...like spread eagle. And I'm freaking. And AlyJack is like "I'm here! I AM HERE FOR YOU! YOU WILL BE FINE! CLING TO MEEEE!" The position of my feet has forced PowerPunch and BackScratchFever into like one tiny bitty circle of tube. Apparently I can only handle group slides being completely flat on the bottom of giant tubes. Just for future reference.
ETA to include even more stuff: So, while the group of us were waiting online for a ride...we notice that a CPR doll has been abanoded by a trash can. Like one of those small child sized dummies that people learn CPR on. And it's just like...lying looking dead...by itself. So we make PowerPunch go try and take it. So she hops out of line and walks over to it. She reaches out to touch it. She touches it. She is horrified. I then yell at her to just pick it up and STEAL IT and as she's getting herself into position...the two lifeguards who CPRTimmy belongs to return for him. She runs away. LifeGuard then scoops up CPRTimmy and brings him past us to I don't know...put him in his dummy locker. And I'm like WAIT! Can I TOUCH IT! So LifeGuard laughs and let's me make fun of CPRTimmy. Oddly? CPRTimmy has a hole in his chest under his ribcage. Like an on purpose hole, not like a "I hate CPRTimmy so much I punched through his chest cavity" hole. And PowerPunch is like "what is the hole for?" And the LifeGuard goes "I don't know! A cupholder?" Which was FUCKING HILARIOUS. After LifeGuard and CPRTimmy leave, PowerPunch remarks that LifeGuard was kinda cute. To which I'mSeriouslyAboutToJustCallHimByHisRealName says "Why don't you go tell him you'll show him YOUR cupholder?" Which? Was also hilarious even though it made no sense. We all plan on using "cupholder" as code for any number of things from this point on.
At one point in the day Alyjack scraped up her toe like a MOTHA when she was spat out of some horror thrill ride that looks like a giant toilet with AlmostReNamedISwear and Billvolio. So she had to go to first aid...you know...to stop the horrifying flow of toe blood. And rather than your everyday, run of the mill band-aid...they give her what appears to be a toe condom.
You guys, no lie.
Like it was for reals, a condom for her toe.
I don't have photographic evidence, but all I can say is...trust me that it was a toe condom.